For years I have been a people pleaser. I would bite my tongue and hold thoughts inside to keep a situation calm and keep everyone at peace. Which was fine for everyone but me. Outwardly I would appear to be calm and carefree. I was always seen as the level-headed one, people would always come to me and I would allow them to dump whatever they were feeling on me and I would be the calming presence that allowed them to empty their negative thoughts and feelings out and I still managed to make them smile and feel good about themselves.
I have also gone with the flow of things, putting other people’s plans ahead of my own to keep the peace, or just to make sure everyone was happy, even though inside I wasn’t always in a happy spot, I would put me off until later. I would brush things off as not being that serious or that my time was coming, or any other excuse I could think of to keep others smiling.
Inside I was doing so much harm to myself and until recently I really didn’t know it. But I started noticing that the smile didn’t reach my eyes like it used to. I noticed that I was no longer happy or carefree. I constantly felt negativity around me. I felt like I was ready to explode. And I couldn’t figure out why this was happening.
So I decided to take some time to figure out what was going on. I pulled out my journals for the past couple of years and read. I was looking for clues about what was wrong, when was the last time I was truly happy, etc. I had to go back at least a good four years before I saw a glimmer of my old self, but I had to go back even more to find a time when I was truly at peace.
What I have noticed is that I was more at peace when I was a little more selfish about things. Not selfish in the arrogant, obnoxious way, but selfish as in putting myself and my feelings at the forefront of my actions. I can’t give off positive energy to other people or into the universe if I don’t have any to give. If I am so busy trying to keep everyone else happy, when will I create my own happiness. So starting today I will put myself first, making sure that I am good, mentally and physically so that I can spread positive energy and be a positive calming force to those around me.